So, I woke up at an ungodly hour today. Why? Well, the universe has a twisted sense of humor. I turned on the TV, hoping to find some semblance of entertainment, to no success. I spent a good five minutes channel surfing, but alas, Animal Planet was stuck in a time loop of reruns. Fantastic.

Downstairs, I ventured in search of breakfast, only to find that my parents, in their infinite wisdom, had decided to observe Ash Wednesday by abstaining from food. Great! I would’ve heated up the leftover pasta from yesterday, but my motivation was as absent as my willpower. The grocery situation? Let’s just say it was dire.

Things were shaping up to be a real joyride.

Next, I walked off to the bathroom for a little pick-me-up, only to discover that my lighter had vanished into the abyss. I could have fetched a box of matches from downstairs, but the thought of moving felt like an Olympic event. So, I swallowed my medicine instead—joy—and realized today marked the last day of my antibiotics. Wowowee! A small victory, at least.

I climbed back into bed, curling up like a human pretzel, desperately trying to shake off the blues. I doubled up my comforter, but even that wasn’t enough to fend off the chill. I had grand plans to catch up on Dexter, but of course, my iPod headphones had gone missing. With all avenues of entertainment closed off, I found myself wandering into the dark, twisted landscape of the internet.

Just when I thought my annoyance couldn’t possibly escalate, I stumbled upon this.

What the actual fuck! A poser Friendster account of me?! Madness!

First off, “Jay Jay”? Seriously? Congratulations, you’ve just graduated to the lowest tier of the naming hierarchy! “Interested In: Dating Men, Relationship with Men?” This profile reads like a poorly constructed sitcom. “Company: emmm…” Brilliant! Did you have to consult an encyclopedia on how to sound utterly clueless? “Hometown: Stanwood, WA.” I bet your idea of a vacation is a daring trip to the next town over. Washington? Please! I’m convinced you haven’t ventured beyond the rusty boundaries of your tin-can utopia.

“Favorite Movies: at the lastest? what i really wanted was SHREK 2 ..hehehehe!:P” How is it possible to feel both delighted and deeply offended at the same time? This person is a Picasso of stupidity, and they’re trying to pass themselves off as me! I can’t believe this poser has been lurking on the internet since June 2004. What if someone spotted me somewhere and thought I was “Jay Jay” in real life? I am spiraling! And what’s with the testimonials from people who sound like they’ve been best friends since kindergarten? What kind of twisted alternate reality is this?

The day hasn’t even started and I already want it to end!