I’d argue that the president’s predicament isn’t nearly as complicated as everyone insists it is. Honestly, if she wants to fix this circus of horrors, all she really needs to do is kick her husband Mike to the curb, disown her son Mikey, and fire her entourage of sycophants. Easy, right? Who knows? She might even earn some respect from the Filipino people. And if she plays her cards right, we might even leave her alone for a bit, which would be a nice change of pace.

Let’s start with the first gentleman—who, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly winning any beauty contests. If “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” I can only assume the beholder is legally blind. His gut is practically the size of a third-trimester pregnancy, which, let’s face it, is impressive in its own right. He’s had more open-heart surgeries than a teleserye star has had plot twists, and I don’t need a medical degree to know that kind of baggage doesn’t do wonders for your love life. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo isn’t a supermodel, but for someone in her 60s, she’s holding her own. And if we’re comparing fashion sense, she could definitely give most school principals a run for their money.

And let’s not forget the juicy rumors about FG Mike’s affair with his accountant. Gloria would see those photos splashed across the tabloids and practically steam, as reported by Time Magazine. In response to her husband’s extracurricular activities, Gloria famously declared she was “married to the country.” Well, ma’am, after all the scandals he’s thrown her way, it’s high time she gave him the ol’ lumayas ka sa pamamahay ko. In the immortal words of Beyoncé, “To the left, to the left. Everything you own in a box to the left.” It’s a catchy tune, but it also serves as a great metaphor for marital bliss—or lack thereof.

Now, let’s pivot to the loud-mouthed son, Mikey. I mean, really—Mike and Mikey? Talk about a lack of creativity. Gloria’s actor-politician son has a remarkable talent for putting her in a bad light. Mikey, known for cinematic masterpieces like “Masamang Ugat” and “Sablay Ka Na, Pasaway Ka Pa,” is essentially a man-child with far too much power and far too little self-awareness. With the recent ousting of Jose de Venecia due to “loss of confidence,” Mikey has truly made a name for himself. To borrow from his 2001 movie “Di Kita Ma-Reach,” it’s almost laughable. Many suspect JDV’s impeachment is simply Mikey’s attempt at revenge against JDV’s son, Joey de Venecia III. Are politicians really incapable of coming up with unique names for their kids? It’s like they think “Junior” and “the third” are the height of creativity. But I digress. I’m convinced Mikey bribed 134 congressmen to sign his ridiculous manifesto. He might have struck a blow against JDV, but in doing so, he’s also strengthened the opposition. So, Gloria, for your own sanity, disown Mikey. You’ve still got Luli and Iggy—lesser evils with names that sound like they belong in a sitcom.

Now, we can’t ignore the ZTE Broadband Deal Scandal, which is like the cherry on top of this absurd sundae. Gloria should really be more discerning about her choice of associates. If we compare former Comelec Chairman Benjamin Abalos to Rodolfo Lozada (the key witness in this whole NBN debacle), the difference is as clear as day. They both have a lot to lose, but Lozada is clearly the lesser evil here. It’s almost comical that we’ve reached this point, but sometimes we have to settle for the lesser of two evils. Abalos is utterly useless, while Lozada—a visibly weary man—has stepped into the spotlight to expose the mess that is Gloria’s administration. It’s like watching a sitcom where the least likely character becomes the hero.

You can choose to believe Lozada’s testimonies or not, but it’s hard to ignore the idea that the opposition we elected might actually hate our country enough to tear it apart for personal gain. But then again, we are talking about politicians here. We’ve got the son of a prominent ally of the president floundering, and Lozada, whose family is suffering terribly through this ordeal. I genuinely struggle to see what Lozada hopes to gain from all this. These whistleblowers have so much at stake, and given this administration’s track record, it’s likely there’s some truth in what they’re saying.

Though it’s a long shot, I sincerely hope this scandal leads to something meaningful for the Filipino people. The administration has a knack for exhausting us with issues and making us forget that anything ever happened. Case in point: that breakfast meeting in Malacañang where around 190 congressmen were handed envelopes stuffed with P200,000 to P500,000 in cash as send-off gifts. Just like that—poof!—out of the news cycle and forgotten. Seriously? Is this the best our leaders can do? When do we wake up from this nightmare? I’d love to not care, but sometimes the circus is so in-your-face that you can’t help but take notice.

So here’s the takeaway: Gloria, take a hard look at the company you keep. Ditch the dead weight, rein in your son, and for the love of all that is good, choose your battles wisely. The Filipino people deserve better than this garbage leadership. If you can manage that, who knows? You might just find a way to make this mess a little less of a disaster. And if nothing else, you’ll have given us all something to laugh about—preferably while we’re not crying over it.