I must confess: I had to wrestle with being comfortable in my role as a practicing nurse. I’m not merely referring to the job itself; everyone navigates the waters of their respective jobs. No, I’m talking about the nursing vocation as a whole—the myriad nuances beyond policies and procedures that shape the very art of nursing. Yes, there is an art to it, and it took me years to digest that truth.

For a long time, my heart wasn’t in it. I like to think I’m the kind of person who follows his heart in all endeavors—an assertion that has earned me the rather annoying label of “wild child.” In the immortal words of a certain teenage girl who, shall we say, made headlines for her rather unconventional lifestyle on Maury Povich, “Whateva! Whateva! I do what I want! You don’t know me! I do what I want!” Ah, yes, that was me—minus any unfortunate wear and tear on my vagina.

Practically everyone I encountered during my half-hearted pursuit of a nursing degree can attest to my spectacularly lackluster performance as a student. Fresh out of high school, I found myself an hour into the welcome lecture on my first day, contemplating the grim prospect of self-inflicted harm. I grasped at every excuse to avoid classes and, oh boy, did I excel at that! I would indulge in every form of debauchery I could find; it was my sole consolation. Studying for tests? Never heard of it. So, naturally, after my freshman year, I informed my mother that I wouldn’t be returning for the next academic year. She was, understandably, heartbroken. I had my own doubts, too. I was young, adrift, and utterly clueless about my future. The notion of dropping out felt like leaping into a frigid lake—no turning back. I leapt, and there I was: a college dropout.

Meanwhile, my relationship with Ed was blossoming. We decided to cohabitate, and I took a job as a call center agent, feeling rather self-important in my newfound independence. No longer bound by my parents’ rules, I was barely 18 and earning a paycheck. I excelled at my job—aside from my punctuality, of course. I earned approximately PHP 17,000 a month, about $400 in today’s currency. Most of that went to clothes, food, alcohol, and taxi fares (Cubao to Makati). As I approached payday, I would invariably find myself as broke as a beggar. This cycle continued for six months, during which I began to ponder my life choices and my uncertain future.

Despite my capriciousness as a teenager, one thing about my future was crystal clear: Ed had to be a part of it, and I wanted to be a part of his. I may have been irresponsible, but I was determined not to end up destitute. Ed was thriving in his third year of nursing school, seemingly at peace with his path—one might even say he had found his calling. He always envisioned building a life for himself in the United States, and it was only a matter of time. It became evident that my call center job wouldn’t allow me to afford my own car, let alone a house. While Ed was resolute in his ambitions, I remained blissfully adrift. A decision loomed, and after much reflection, I reluctantly sold myself out. Seething, I re-enrolled in nursing school. This meant that my mother would have to cover my tuition, half of my rent, utilities, and graciously provide me with a weekly allowance. “Boo hoo!” says my blissfully ungrateful piece-of-shit self.

Of course, returning to school didn’t magically eliminate my disdain for it. I fell back into my old habits faster than you can say motherfucking pasaway and promptly wasted away. At one point, I had to pay the school PHP 30,000 to pass a subject they were poised to fail me in due to my atrocious attendance. And believe me, I’m not proud of that. I must reiterate: I am not proud of that. More often than I care to admit, I would stumble into class tipsy, doodling absentmindedly while my classmates focused intently. I suppose I was clever in choosing a diploma mill over a university. Again, not a point of pride. Yet, against all odds, I graduated. Without a single drop of blood, sweat, or tears, I was free! Or so I thought.

To be continued…